


parest setius

by lolwhat (JkWriter)



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, but i need to vent, lol im hurting my heart writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-20
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-07-14 15:41:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16043480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JkWriter/pseuds/lolwhat
Summary: things get bad.





	parest setius

**Author's Note:**

> tw  
> theres kinda vague mentions of self harm/suicide

Connor didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t often he found himself completely lost on a situation. He was usually able to find something to grasp onto. Some sort of information that led him to a solution. But this was different. It felt like he was trying to tread in uncharted waters when he didn’t know how to swim. 

It’s funny because for a while Connor thought everything was going to be okay. He wasn’t fixed. He was still a broken mess, but he had people supporting him. Evan and Heidi had promised to be there for him even though Connor told them it wasn’t necessary. They hadn’t lied either, which was new. Evan was checking in on him daily and Heidi would ask how he was doing every Friday. Connor felt loved. Appreciated. Until he didn’t. 

It starts that morning. It’s a Sunday, which is usually reserved for hiking with Evan. Except for the fact that Evan’s sick and for the first time since that fateful day in the computer lab, Connor is alone. 

He’s not sure how to handle it. He does his English homework for the next week. And then he does his math. And history. And soon he’s out of things to do. It’s not even noon. 

He spins around in his chair. 

There’s not much going on in his room. His bed is in the middle of the wall and he doesn’t like that. Evan’s bed is in the corner of his room and it feels much more secure. Connor gets up from the chair and starts moving stuff around. His desk goes under the window. He likes the idea of natural lighting and putting the desk there means he can shove the bed in the corner by his closet. 

Or he tries to. 

He has to take his mattress off the frame to move it and that’s when he sees them. 

Connor had honestly forgotten they were there.

When he and Evan first started dating Evan had gone through his room and taken everything that Connor could use to self-harm. Connor let him because he didn’t want to. At least he thought he didn’t. Connor hadn’t had the urge in weeks, but the razor blades were right there. No one was here to stop him. Evan was sick, his family was out of town. Connor was alone. Besides, no one would notice, right? His family didn’t even know he had stopped. Connor loves Evan, but Evan’s oblivious sometimes. Maybe Heidi? No, Connor didn’t see her enough. He could easily hide a few lines under his jacket. 

_But what will they think when they find out? You know they’ll find out eventually, and they’ll be disappointed. They’ll leave like everyone else._

Heidi and Evan wouldn’t leave him. They weren’t like that. 

_They have enough to deal with on their own. Do you really think they’ll want your problems too?_

Connor blinked. 

His arm was bleeding. He didn’t remember anything happening. He dropped the razor and then scrambled to pick it back up. 

He had wrapped his hand around it and now his palm was bleeding. He should be freaking out. He should be screaming at himself. Disappointed in what he’s done. But he’s not. Instead, he just feels numb. Because would Evan notice? 

Connor didn’t think so. 

He didn’t think Evan would notice if he disappeared. He didn’t think anyone would notice. That’s what Evan’s letter had said, right? 

Would anyone notice if I disappeared tomorrow?

Did Connor really want to disappear? He doesn’t know. He was still so numb, nothing felt right. He kept attacking his arm. This used to make him feel, so why wasn’t it working? Had he really fallen so far? Was Connor so broken he couldn’t feel pain? 

All he could see was red. 

And it still didn’t feel real. 

He felt heavy. Like he did after taking Tylenol pm. Maybe a nap would help? 

Connor laid down and closed his eyes. 

He was finally able to float.

**Author's Note:**

> i wanted to try something so i set a timer and wrote for thirty minutes with no ending in mind and this happened 
> 
> join me and kilala2tail in protecting jared kleinman (if i see one more pic portraying him as a bad guy and nothing else imma fight)---https://discord.gg/Z5vXj7V


End file.
